Carries On

Work went so well and beautiful today. It could not have gone any smoother.

Before I left, I was finishing up training my back up for September (when I was supposed to go on maternity leave). I was worried about my team being able to handle my absence. They managed to do the bookwork daily and I was left w minimal work to catch up on. I plan on recognizing all of them soon for their excellent work.

My coworkers gave me exactly what I needed today. They didn't focus on Elsa's death. They didn't ask for details. They hugged me and that was that. Asked me how I was doing and that they were glad I was back. A few tears were shed when discussing if we will be trying again. That was only due to it being a reminder of how empty I still feel.

I am still emotionally exhausted. I'm worn thin and just so tired of my emotions. I know them inside and out. Every thought and every aching emotion. I ache for my baby and ache for what was taken from me. I am never allowed a moment to forget what happened two weeks ago. Even getting dressed for work is a battle.

Returning to work allowed a distraction. My brain welcomes the busy work. I'm able to focus on mundane things that don't hurt and don't matter. And I've found that I don't care what my coworkers feel towards me. In losing my daughter, I've realized that these petty and trivial issues that arise at work are meaningless in life. I don't have my usual filter and muzzle in place. Its refreshing. Perhaps that's what my work life needs, a dash of the "real" Amber.