Tomorrow will mark a month since we found out that Elsa passed. The 14th is a month since I delivered her sleeping.
In a month I have aged 20 years. In a month I learned to permanently shelve dreams and hopes. In a month I learned how to put on a mask to survive Life. In a month I have mastered how to stand in this hurricane of rage and sorrow, while watching the world carry on without my baby.
One month ago I learned how to say hello and goodbye to a baby I loved. One month ago I felt myself rip into pieces and burned by my grief. One month ago I wondered how I was going to breathe and stay alive when everything in me screamed for death.
Today I still wish to hold my baby in my dreams. I still pray to see her while I sleep so that I know her existence was real. I still am filled w grief and pain. I still have moments where everything is drowned out by tears and longing. I still can't look at babies for more than a fleeting glimpse. I definitely can't hear babies crying when my own baby made no sound as she entered this world.
I seek to fill my voids with the fleeting company of people I love. But I can't let them linger too long bc then I will want to open up. And to open up would mean to cry.
I try not to label myself by the misery I experience, but that is all that fills me. "It gets easier..." What they left out is that carrying the pain gets easier, not experiencing the pain. There are days that I feel like I'm being buried under the weight of my emotions.
I will spend Elsa's One-Month-Birthday outside. Where I will feel her gentle spirit in the breeze. Where I will feel her touch in the rays of sunshine. Where I will feel her little embrace in the grass.
Hi Amber,
ReplyDeleteI didn't want to draw attention to this on facebook, but I just wanted to let you know that I've been following your blog and am so very sorry for your loss. I hope, despite all of the emotions you've been experiencing, that you were able to feel Elsa's presence on her birthday and feel some peace, if only for a fleeting moment. My hugs and heart go out to you.
If you can swing it, try not to worry about how you are defined or how you present yourself to others. Easier said than done, I know. But you are allowed to grieve how you want to grieve, and you are entitled to all of your feelings, regardless of how others respond to them. If you need to be defined by your grief for a short period of time, you're allowed to. You will always be Amber, and those who value the heart of who you are will stick around and help you get by.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you've been in my thoughts and that I hope the best for you. <3
Tiffany