Atrophy

I live by words. They are my comfort. Even though I have major difficulties speaking my mind and explaining my emotions, in my head it all makes sense. Mainly because I can assign words to the things happening in my heart. As long as I can do that, I can be comfortable with my emotions.

Right now, that is not happening.

I have no words for what is happening in my heart. I'm angry but sad. I'm empty but full of pain.I am open and exposed to what may happen in my soul. Words evade me no matter how hard I concentrate. I try to pick apart my feelings and still, I'm left empty handed. I am everything and nothing all at once.

I'm trying to watch stupid movies just to fill the space in my head and heart. Nothing is working. Nothing is helping. Nothing is healing.

Tomorrow some wonderful coworkers want to stop by to give me a card from work. While the idea of them coming to bring me comfort makes me feel loved, I am full of anxiety. My apartment is a mess. I can't stand and clean without being hit with cramps. Cramps are a reminder of what is no longer in my uterus. I look like a mess. I can hardly eat without being filled with guilt. (Why should I eat when my daughter will never eat?) The prospect of having to go outside fills me with fear and pain. I want nothing more than to welcome them into my apartment and have them to lean on and bask in their love. The panic that sets in has me picking up my phone to cancel multiple times.

The only beauty I can find in this week is that One- I am so very grateful for my living children. I am yet again amazed by their smiles, their beautiful eyes and blonde hair. Their voices bring me from the brink I've been teetering on for days. Their warm hugs and cuddles start to wake me up. Second- the way Gage has taken care of me, the way he has dedicated his days to me, has shown me how to fall in love with him all over again. I can see his love for me. I can feel his support. I don't walk this path alone. He is with me for every step, even if it's one step forward and two steps back. He knows how I feel without me having to communicate. He knows what my long and drawn out silences mean.

For now, I will allow myself to fall back into my hurricane of emotions. No words swirl around. Just raw, real emotions.