With You in Your Cold Grave I Cannot Sleep Warm

I thought I was ready today.

I told my coworkers that I couldn't see them today. I wanted to build enough resolve to pick Jade up from school, something she enjoys greatly.

I made it half a block before the tightness in my chest and shoulders started. Another block when I started pinching my skin, a pathetic attempt at fighting off the panic. By the time I got to the pick up area, I was in tears and desperately wanted to be away from everyone. I seemed to be surrounded by pregnant women or mothers with babies. I waited an eternity before Jade was given to me. In that time I couldn't breathe and the tightness in my chest felt as though it was crushing my heart. Her teacher tried to give me words of condolences, but none of them registered in my head. All I heard was her tone dripping with sympathy and pity.

As soon as I was in my apartment, I could breathe. I felt back to as close to normal as I am capable of.

When will I be functional again? I'm not the type to linger and fester. I am a survivalist and staying in one "place" is the death of me. I can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time anymore. My mind forces me awake when I want nothing more than to be dead to the world. I can't do the cleaning I need to do without feeling breathless. Why is my body doing this to me? I'm trying desperately to move on. To get myself into gear. It feels like everything within myself is fighting it.

I try to pack away the emotions of grief and loss into a neat little box and pack it away in the compartment in my brain "Deal With Later". But these emotions are too big. I stand there with my hands over my ears and my eye shut tight and the emotions rip my hands down and force my eyes open. I fight and I scream. But my will, my strength is gone. I am weak. I am not even half the woman I was just before that appointment last Tuesday.