The Arms of the Ocean are Carrying Me

It has been four days since Elsa was stillborn. Four long, arduous days filled with pain and grief.

She was my fourth pregnancy. First was Jade, second was a baby I aborted, third was Ava and fourth was Elsa.

We heard her heartbeat for the first time March 13th. May 13th, we discovered no heartbeat. I was but 22 weeks along. May 13th, my world was ripped asunder and grief flooded in. I accepted her death immediately. I knew there was no bargaining to bring her soul back into my womb. I knew there was no denying her still body portrayed back to me on the ultrasound screen.

My beautiful midwife held Ava while I dissolved. She rocked and explained what happen to my 3 yr old so I could feel the grief completely. Jen promised to be with me every step of the way and she fulfilled that promise.

After laboring for twelve hours from first cramp, I woke up at 6 am on the dot to the all too familiar pain. I felt Elsa come down the canal and felt her come out just as Jen rushed into my room. Elsa was born in the caul  at 6:05am. Her entrance was met by my wails of pain that no parent should ever have to endure.

Her little body was perfect in every way. Ten toes. Ten fingers. A precious nose and tiny ears. I could tell that she was going to look like Gage. I held her in the kidney basin while I took in every part of her. I touched her little fingers and sobbed. I gave her to Gage and decided to birth her placenta. Out it came and Jen showed me the hole that her little arm was in (amniotic band syndrome). She also showed me that there was a band around the base of the umbilical cord. That was her demise. Nothing I did caused her death. Nothing could've been done.

Since we knew that she passed, I accepted it. But acceptance doesn't make that pain any lesser. Acceptance doesn't make putting away the dreams you have of our still born baby any easier. I knew that I wasn't at fault for her passing and I knew that her beautiful soul was to only be on this earth for so long.

But that deep pain. That acute pain that goes to your very being. That pain of knowing that the clothes you had started to buy will never be filled with that baby. The dreams you dreamt of holding that precious child will never be lived out. I have never had to experience such pain. I've lived a long life of pain and suffering. A long life filled with disappointment and abuse. But never did I believe that I would have to bury a child of mine.

So here I sit, with my breasts bound, the cramps still filling my womb instead of a baby. I can't live with silence bc then my thoughts make their presence known. I push myself into sleeping so that the unconscious world will soften the aches in my arms and breasts. I barely survive the days. I tell myself multiple times a day that death would be better than this.

One day I will have another baby. One day I will only feel dull aches in my heart. One day I will laugh and smile. But for now, I am drowning in my grief.