I've Already Suffered, I Want You To Know God

Thursday I return to work. I'm not sure that I'm ready for this. Seeing the sympathy in people's faces and hearing their words of condolences will only chip away at the feeble wall that I've built over the last couple of weeks.

I will have to bear the weight of 40 coworkers sharing their sympathy. I naturally try to heal people's pain. But what do I do when my loss is the source of people's sadness? Not only will there be the coworkers, but the inevitable questions from customers. Sure, the regulars will have already been filled in hopefully. But the customers who were in often enough to notice the pregnancy. They will ask innocently "Hey, where did belly go?"

When I wake up, I desperately wish that the last two weeks was a nightmare and reach for the belly that is no longer there. Being pregnant is the only time I feel like a Woman. I am filled with femininity and feel as though I glow from inside out. I love carrying a child inside of me. And that was ripped from me. My sweet Elsa May. Not only did I lose that feeling of completeness, but I lost a daughter.

I will have to place a mask of Bravery and explain the loss. I typically am 100% against crying at work considering too many people would revel in any weakness that I might show. How am I to swallow the tears when the pain is still so raw? How can I remain professional and weather through the constant wave of sympathy?

I've been given many typical lines of "Well God needed another Angel." Or "You're still young, you will have more." And my favorite "At least you have the girls still." I know they are said with good intentions, but it only degrades what it is I am experiencing. Yes, I'm young. Yes, I will have more babies and I have my girls. But that doesn't make Elsa's short life just a mere blip. She was a baby that I had dreams for. A baby I had hopes for. A baby that both of her parents wanted more than ever.

I can only dream that Thursday will be a day that I am numb. Today was a day of that empty feeling. So was yesterday. How can I ensure that Thursday I can be strong enough for what is sure to come? On top of dozens of people's sympathy, I will also have to play catch up at work.

I will be throwing myself into work in an attempt to fill a void w no bottom. I made it a goal in the last 6 months to prove those who doubt me at work how wrong they are. No time like now to show them wrong. Even if part of my soul is missing and I feel like a withered version of myself.