Up From Below

Yesterday was a healing day. After the horrible experience from the Binghamton based funeral home, I was very hesitant to meeting with the second funeral home. I have found it harder and harder to be assertive of what I want for Elsa's burial. She's been gone for over a week and the fight in me is dwindling.

When we first arrived, the director acknowledged the girls and asked their names while crouched down to their level to talk to them. My respect for him went up a thousand fold. Yes, a funeral home isn't an ideal place for young children. But this is their sister that we're burying. I don't want to hide the whole journey and path that Gage and I are on after Elsa's death. It's nothing more than a part of Life.

The conversation was emotional, of course. But in a healing and cleansing way. He spoke very gently and made a lot of eye contact. He brought up pros/cons that I personally didn't think about (cemetery plot/etc). Once we made it known that we really just want a simple ceremony, he dropped all of those immediately.

He also understood what I was desperately trying to put into words. I was trying to explain why we didn't want a casket for Elsa and why a cemetery plot wasn't important. I kept saying that this is us separating ways with Elsa and returning her to the Earth. He then says "You're releasing her." That's exactly how I feel. I'm releasing Elsa's body back to the Earth. Her soul is with us, in our hearts. We will always carry her with us through life.

After everything was said and done, I felt more than a little better. I still harbor a lot of grief, and yet the meeting was slightly therapeutic. I feel so much more confident knowing that our wishes are going to be met with this funeral home. I was never bullied whenever I brought up our "alternative" wishes.

My thoughts and emotions that have taken over much of my very being are slowly becoming quieter. A week ago I was submerged in an ocean of darkness and pain. When looking up, I saw no glimmer of the sun, just raw sorrow and grief. Now that I've reached the very bottom, I know where to push off so that I may start swimming to the surface. Having Gage be my support, my lifeline is more than beneficial. Without him, I would have easily just stayed at the bottom. The bottom is a very familiar setting for me considering my past. I also have my midwife to thank. She has been more than just a care provider but an extension of my family. She has gone above and beyond her call of Midwifery.

My milk has dried up enough that it isn't a constant reminder of my empty arms. My stomach has gone back to it's previous state of being flat but still chubby. When I cry, the tears don't burn my skin as much. I've started caring more about my appearance. I'm hoping that when I return to work next Thursday, I will be more than a shadow of who I was when I last left.